Keeping kids safe from sexual abuse is not a black and white issue. Even experts on the issue who have interviewed convicted child molesters remark on how “likable” they appear. It’s the grey area where most exist – predators that come off as “good” and charismatic “every day” kinds of people, they’re predatory behavior often extends towards how they treat and interact with other adults.
No two abusers look, talk, or act the same. Many ‘compartmentalize’ their abusive behaviors and seem like perfectly typical people during their day to day life.
Keep in mind, sexual abuse is often not about sex, but about control and dominance. In many cases of rape it is an outlet that perpetrators are using to fill a perceived need. And it is difficult when no two abusers look, talk, or act the same.
Seeing one or more of these red flag does not necessarily mean that you are in the presence of a sexual abuser, but if your instinct is feeling something is off – be vigilant, speak up if their behavior is inappropriate, and minimize this person’s access to children – especially in a 1:1 situation, which is the case for an estimated 80% of all child sexual abuse. Raising awareness, in a casual way, that you are educated about child sexual abuse may put some potential abusers on guard, in fear they may be caught. Some predators can be very patient with their grooming behaviors which is why it is important to consider the risk of abuse not just with new acquaintances but those we’ve known and grown to trust.
Strangers & Acquaintances
You may not necessarily know these people very well, or only by name/face alone (a neighbor, a coach, a parent of another child you know). In order to gain access to your child, they usually try to establish a rapport with the parent as well as the child, but in some cases, they are less careful about hiding their intentions. Be cautious for the following behaviors/characteristics:
- Volunteers or works with children but does not have children of their own, or child friendly toys – video games, tree house, train sets/doll collections etc
- Spends more time with children than adults or peers – may even come off as immature and childish themselves
- Has a “favorite” child they seem to spend time with (which may vary from year to year)
- Gives gifts or special privileges for no apparent reason
- Overly affectionate/playful with children – hugging, tickling, wrestling, holding or having a child sit on their lap
- Disregards “no” “stop” or other efforts from a child to avoid physical contact
- Long stares or periods of watching a child
- Comments or conversation about a child’s appearance – which may even take a turn for the inappropriate
- May exhibit a sense that they feel they have special rights/privileges above others
- Eagerness to learn details of your personal (possibly romantic) life and your child and their interests
- Flattery of you, your child, their talents and likewise, they may boast about their own successes/accomplishments, charitable work, generosity etc
- If you are a single parent (especially a mother) – this person may be a new or potential romantic interest that comes off as “too good to be true” or anyone that seems interested in filling in as a fatherly role for your child.
- Seems to like the very same things that your child is interested in
- Tries to establish a sense of camaraderie with your child and draw your child away from you “I know how parents are” “you’re old enough to go alone”.
- Attempts to make you doubt your protective instincts “you’re not one of those helicopter parents, are you?”
- Offers to “help out” with your child – a stranger that may offer to walk them to an arcade while you’re shopping at the mall, or an acquaintance that offers to watch or give your child a ride to soccer practice when you find yourself in a bind.
- If your child is particularly talented (musically, artistically, athletically, or is involved in pageants etc) and someone approaches you with opportunities that seem like they would benefit your child – private lessons/photography shoots/meeting scouts etc
- Someone that suggests a child is “troubled” or prone to lying (to discredit future claims of abuse by the child.)
Some examples of this behavior from real-life situations: a church member who often asked to hold parents’ toddlers, an new boyfriend who began sleeping over with a single mother, a parent who attended a school dance and spent most of the time dancing with a group of children.
Family, Friends, Mentors & People of Authority
These are people you, most likely, have known for some time, trust with you child and/or enjoy their company. You may see some of these signs and pass them off as normal behavior – and in some cases, they may be. When abuse occurs with people we know, the perpetrator is not necessarily seek out opportunities to prey on children, but finds him/herself with an opportunity to take advantage of access, trust, and familiarity with a parent and/or child. These are the opportunistic offenders. (You’ll note some of these were listed above.) Be cautious for people who:
- Spends more time with children than adults or peers – they may even come off as immature and childish
- Overly affectionate/playful with children – hugging, tickling, wrestling, holding or having a child sit on their lap
- Has a “favorite” child they seem to spend time with (which may vary from year to year)
- Gives gifts or special privileges and may ask the child to keep it a secret
- Comments or conversation about a child’s appearance – which may even take a turn for the inappropriate – may make flirtatious remarks to the child
- Disregards “no” “stop” or other efforts from a child to avoid physical contact
- May exhibit a sense that they have special rights/privileges above others
- Long stares or periods of watching a child
- Minimizes the need to respect privacy when dressing/going to the bathroom. May try to normalize nudity around children
- Someone that communicates with a child in private – via social media, text message, email etc
- Someone that spends a lot of time viewing p*rnography, and especially anyone that views child p*rnography (this may seem obvious, but viewing child p*rnography is not an interest or curiosity – it is participation in a crime of sexual abuse upon a child.)
- A person that seeks opportunities to spend time alone with a child (most likely frequently) may even offer or take them on trips where they are alone for overnight or longer.
- Someone that may be going through a difficult period in life and – job loss, divorce, a death in the family – something that may add stress, feelings of depression, low self-esteem and/or loneliness. (These are common indicators that someone who would not be considered a pedophile, may turn to sexually abusing a child as a means to cope with unhappiness.)
- Someone that suggests a child is “troubled” or prone to lying (to discredit future claims of abuse by the child.)
Some examples of abusers in this category: a grandfather who frequently sought time alone with his grandchild, a cousin that often roughhoused with younger cousins and would ‘accidentally’ touch their private parts, a new romantic partner that would make a child shower with the door open and often watch, a family member that noticed a child going through puberty and began making sexual remarks about their bodily development and asked questions about their dating/sex life.
Female Offenders
Unlike most male offenders, female offenders often abuse a child in conjunction with a male – often a spouse or partner, she may abuse a child to please the other offender and take video and photos of the abuse to share with the accomplice. Be cautious for:
- Women that are in unstable or controlling relationships, or seem incapable/fearful of their partner leaving them, or being alone.
- This person may encourage interaction with their abusive partner, ex. as a substitute babysitter.
- Substance abuse problems.
- Has a “favorite” child they seem to spend time with – gives them special attention, gifts, privileges (which may vary from year to year)
- Overly affectionate/playful with children – hugging, tickling, wrestling, holding or having a child sit on their lap
- Minimizes the need to respect privacy when dressing/going to the bathroom. May try to normalize nudity around children and/or use their bodies to “teach” the child about sexuality
- May exhibit a sense that they feel they have special rights/privileges above others
- Someone that communicates with a child in private – via social media, text message, email etc
- A person that seeks opportunities to spend time alone with a child (most likely frequently) may even offer or take them on trips where they are alone for overnight or longer.
- Someone that may be going through a difficult period in life and – job loss, divorce, a death in the family – something that may add stress, feelings of depression, low self-esteem and/or loneliness. (These are common indicators that someone who would not be considered a pedophile, may turn to sexually abusing a child as a means to cope with unhappiness.)
- Someone that suggests a child is “troubled” or prone to lying (to discredit future claims of abuse by the child
Examples of red flag behavior: a high school coach who communicated privately with an athlete and would often transport the child to and from events, an overnight nanny that unexpectedly sent her husband as a substitute.
Juvenile offenders are estimated to be responsible for approximately 40% of all child sexual abuse, yet they are the least discussed type of offenders. Most juvenile offenders are over the age of 12. The reality is, you may see these behaviors in your own child, not necessarily someone who is a threat to your child. As adults, it is our responsibility to guide and take action if we feel our child may exhibit signs he/she could sexually abuse another child. Be vigilant for:
- Children that are or have previously experienced abuse – physical, emotional, or sexual and are not in therapy.
- Children that exhibit bullying, aggressive, or controlling behavior
- May exhibit a sense that they feel they have special rights/privileges above others
- Children that view p*rnography
- Children that have not been educated on human sexuality and proper/responsible sexual behavior (In such cases, the child may abuse other children out of curiosity (with a limited understanding that their behavior is wrong) – but the act is still abusive upon the child victim.) Hazing may also fall under this category.
- Children that have a negative view of females or those of other sexual orientations/gender identities
What Can We Do To Reduce Risk of Abuse?
Educate the People we Trust and Build a Body Safety Circle Around Children
The good new is, most people we trust around our children are not sexual abusers. However, it is often people who are uneducated and prepared that may unintentionally enable abuse as offenders take advantage of such naiveté and trust. The more we educate adults and older juveniles on how to promote body safety with children, minimize opportunity for abuse, and speak up when necessary, the safer children will be from a potential threat.
Empower Children to Know Their Rights and Be Prepared to Defend Them
Whether the children we know are toddlers, in grade school, or teens there are a variety of ways we can promote bodily autonomy and strengthen their intuition for situations and people who may not be safe. Reading books, doing activities, and taking the time to remind children that we will always believe them, inappropriate touching is never their fault, and that it is always important to tell us.
Minimize Opportunity for Abuse
With the majority of sexual abuse occurring in situations where the perpetrator is in a 1:1 situation with a child, and much of that abuse occurring within the home of the child or perpetrator (often with others in close proximity ex. in another room) it is important to identify situations where children are isolated with older children or adults. Promoting an open door policy at home, during playdates or family gatherings, checking in on occasion; and if someone is spending time alone with a child, checking in with them at a quiet moment to ask if they were treated appropriately and that people followed body safety rules. Even if children go to school, attend childcare, or take part in sports, tutoring or have medical appointments, there are steps these facilities should be taking to prioritize child safety. Asking about such policies and procedures is important, as many organizations may not be doing all that they can to reduce risk of abuse.
Speak Up When We Witness Inappropriate Behavior or Situations That Increase Risk
it’s not our job to prove someone has ill intentions but to prioritize child safety.
Many abusers will groom and test the reaction of their targeted victims and the protective adults around them with seemingly harmless behaviors that break down a child’s personal boundaries. This may involve touching, spending time alone with a child, excessive interest or conversations or behavior that are simply not appropriate for that person’s role/relationship with that child. Such examples may include a teacher that would pick a ‘special’ student to sit on his lap, a daycare worker that would tickle children in a tube slide out of view of other staff, and bible study leader who focused much of his attention on his victim. Even if someone’s intention is not harmful, it is important to address and correct inappropriate behavior so that children understand what to expect from people in a position of authority. We’ve heard from numerous parents who weren’t sure what to do because they couldn’t prove the person’s intentions, but knew the behavior was not appropriate for their position. The answer is simple – say something because you know it’s not right and it can enable abuse, it’s not our job to prove someone has ill intentions but to prioritize child safety.
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Five Ways Parents Can Deter Predators
Minimizing Opportunity for Abuse
Keep Abuse Prevention On Hand and Share Your Awareness!
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